TW: Suicidal thoughts..
Spoiler: writer is alive
I would be lying if I said, I never thought of it. Of ending it all. It would just be a matter of 2 seconds, and in those 2 seconds I would be free. Free off all the pain in my head, free off all the fear I was going through, and be independent of the shackles of life for the first and the last time. That fall would be so reliving. But here I am, writing the encounters of that night.
I will not go into the details of what led me to take that step, because it could happen to anyone and for any reason(s). And the reasons should not justify if the person was correct in ending his/her life before the natural cause took that chance. If he/she is dead, it’s dead. Period. The chapter is closed for further writings. And if anyone reading thinks that they could or would have made any difference in the life of the victim , then you can make a difference only when someone is alive. Let’s ponder a little over it.
Well, that night was not very different from the other nights, only that the sky was somewhat clear. There were traces of the cotton balls floating here and there, and the time seemed right. I could not take it anymore in my head and it was almost impossible to hold my tears anymore at home in front of my parents. Well, they always looked at me with such pride and spoke to me if they found themselves to be in any confusion while taking any decisions. If I had told them about my condition and the thoughts that were roaming around committing to the great fall, it would have for sure, chilled their spines. And I did not want that to happen.
So, I went up to the terrace, with my phone of course, to listen to the songs. I loved listening to the songs when I felt upset or alone. But that night I did not listen to any. I was not alone. My mind was present with the gifts of my overthinking, my toxic thoughts.
I took a stroll around the edges of the terrace without any fear, remembering the old days when I used to go up when it rained, when it was cloudy because it was so much fun to see the nature’s beauty in awe. I remembered sitting at the edge with a firm grip around the support with my friend so that we do not fall. But that fear was no longer there that night. It was all gone, or I think, I had fallen numb in my head. Well, it could be any moment that I could jump at the conclusion, but I was also thinking if I took care of all the important stuff!? Making few notes on my passwords, paying any debts to any friend, giving a call to any friend saying my goodbyes, or having told my parents and siblings that they should do what they love, and be strong? Thinking about all that made my guts to curl and my knees went weak. So, I thought to sit down, away from the edges for a while.
I started to cry very furiously. To be honest, I searched for my handkerchief before I could let loose the first tear drop to fall down. I had learnt it from the past experiences, to cry only when you have washrooms nearby or you have wet towels with you. Such logistics and toiletries come in handy at times. And I must say, Crying Helps!! It really helps. Not only for relieving the built-up stress that you may have but it also helps in reliving the headache caused due to the stress and it moistens your eyes. You will feel much and much better after crying. Trust me.
After gathering the strength to call one my closest friends of all for the last time, I dialed him up to speak. I was very normal in my way. He knew what I was going through since a long time. And I knew I could cut through the crap and be blunt while talking with him. So, he picked up, and the conversation went similar to the following. (phew, it was 10 years ago)
Him: “Helloou! (He always wants to sound sexy)”
Me: “Hey! What’s up? Are you free to talk a bit?”
Him: “For you, never!”
Me: “Okay, so when can I call you back?”
Him: “What’s wrong? You did not take my seriousness jokingly tonight? Everything okay?”
Me: “Yeah. It’s fine.. Umm, silence…. Umm, I am thinking of.. umm.. ending everything tonight.”
Me: “I don’t know. I am very stressed and nothing seems to come to the rescue.”
Me: “I am done with all of it. I am now very tired. I want it all to end. It really pains in my head. I always have headaches. I can’t let go of the thoughts and my overthinking. I really tried man, you know I did.”
Him: “Yeah, that is for sure, you tried a lot. So, how are you going to do it?”
Me: “I don’t know, may be I ll jump off the terrace.”
Him: “Okay.. so, this is the goodbye call I suppose? Hmm.. Just before you go, can I ask you something?”
Me: “Yeah. Anything..”
Him: “Is it worth it? Jumping off and ending it all? Will it make any difference in a good way?
“Will your parents and your sibling be happy to see you not speaking up?” (And at this moment I cried a lot).
“Do you think that it would make any difference in the life of the other people? “
“Your parents love you dude. They will give up anything and everything to see you live happy. Why don’t you live to make them happy? Don’t leave them like this. It will break their heart to see you go like this. Nothing is above them in this world. Live for them.”
“Hello? Are you there?”
Me: (Sobbing). “I am..”
Him: “So, what do you think?”
Me: “I agree with you.”
Him: “Cool, do you want me to come?”
Me: “No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Will call you tomorrow.”
Him: “Sure thing. Take care man.”
As I cut the call, I sat there quietly crying and looking at the stars above me. The tears had cleaned my corneas and were further acting as an extended lens for the stars and the moon to look better and big. It was nice. One of the nicest evenings of my life. I was again contemplating on the choices I had made in the past and it was all rushing in at full speed. I could not control it nor stop it from letting them in. Those thoughts were somehow numbing my senses and they were addictive. Toxic and addictive.
This place right here [points to his head], this skull between my ears, that is a bad neighborhood, and I should not be in there alone” – Chester Bennington.
But now, I had to somehow come out of it at that moment. I took a nap there under the sky. It was amazing. Then, I got up, took my wet towels and wiped my face clean and came back home.
The only thing that amplified the toxicity and the rage in my head was overthinking. I could not stop it, and somehow it became a part of my daily routine. To cry and wipe off the tears, to take undue stress and be afraid of being happy, it had become a part of my life now. If any day went without me being sad or crying, I felt uneasy and the overthinking began. This was like an OCD. It had to happen. And this is annoying to the listener also. Speaking of the same thing again, and again, and again fucks their energy levels drastically. And if they are there to listen to your nagging again the next day, be thankful to them. Not everyone gets friends like this very often. It is impossible to draw a line between the routine of sharing your problems, and constantly speaking about the same problem again and again. It is like the brain wants to get rid of the thoughts, but the emptiness invites more overthinking. Please understand, it is not in the hands of the person who is depressed to not overthink. It happens against their will. I don’t know the solution to it, but I can relate to the problem.
I learnt that, not all your friends whom you are close to, will come to your rescue in this situation. As in my case, one of the other friends, with whom I had shared this problem with, had turned a deaf ear to me regarding this situation after this went on for over a couple of years. She had her job, her family to take care of. It was selfish, but now when I think about this, I think it was a justified reason and valid step taken by her. She was with me for a long time and helped me see the problem clearly. I had leaned on her shoulders for a long time and now she needed rest and attention to herself. And I won’t blame her today. Therefore, I thought to share the thoughts with my other friend (above). Ergo, Talking helped me.
When you find someone, who is depressed and is at the brink to the ultimate freedom, it may mean that they have already pictured their end very closely, and they are relieved. There will be an abnormal peace that will be on the face, when they talk, you would feel that they could never be better. It is possible that they would start to believe that at last, everything in this world did not make a difference. It was all a sham. Tit for Tat, giving and receiving, hand in hand, etc, all are just the barter system of the world. If at all there is anything that is only pure, where the balance fails, only they would know the answers to. Have you seen that attitude around you? If yes, beware!
You can make a difference in the world of the depressed person if you know anyone. Just by being there for them when they need you. You never know that with you picking up their calls or listening to them could cut down their probability of ending it all for good by 50 to 70 percent. Here, even 1 percent counts. It is the devil’s game that mind plays with them, and your presence may help them see the light like Great Gandalf showed to the middle earthlings. For that you have to have a long lasting and never-ending patience of the ears. You have to be strong at heart to fight the thoughts of existential crisis that may affect you when you listen to them. You should know the true north star which you want to reach out to align your thoughts again. But if you find yourself questioning your efforts to save the broken angel in this harsh world, then just remember, that even if you save one soul from drifting and ending all for good, you have saved the world already.
Well, to the one in depression, your mind is an amazing thing dear. It plays a lot of games with the thoughts when it is empty. Try to keep it occupied with the tools of hopes and usefulness, lest you will find it fighting with the trifling thoughts of driving you away from your happiness and goals. Your mind is stronger than you think it is. Depression is real. So is the happiness. When you find yourself slipping away to the abyss of the toxic thought, go back to the old memories when you were happy. Before all that happened. It is hard to do so, but it has to be done. You are not suffering alone in this world. Look around and you will see how others fight with it and the beautiful mask of smiles have decorated their face. Talk buddy. Talk to anyone whom you feel is close to you and can be a confidant. It gets better somehow. If you don’t believe that it gets better, then trust me, your mind gets trained to fight the depression somehow as the time passes, allowing you to take on other tasks on the way. And this becomes your fighting experience. Depression is deadly, it is toxic, and it is addictive. Solitude fuels it, overthinking burns it, and emptiness if not taken care of responsibly, can lead to the vicious cycle to continue. Stay safe friends.
Talk.. You are not alone!