Yes, I am struggling to show my love for my parents and it sucks. Like BIG TIME.
I am now old, and am a total mess in myself. I have no close relationship outside my family, except friends. It was initially a choice that I had made, and now I am struggling through it. Was it my parents’ fault? No!
I was a happy go lucky kid while growing up and I have been showered with love and slaps all my childhood. Now when I hear my parents regretting the latter, I feel blessed that they did it and left no stones unturned to give me the courage to follow my dreams. Although, I was not born with a golden spoon in my mouth, but honey was readily available. Haha. And that’s because my parents and grandparents had sacrificed their part in order to afford it.
It is often hard for someone like me to give it back. Give love back. For instance, if my father is a diabetic and I know that he will want to eat anything that might aggravate his condition, there I will have to be tough, just like they did it when I was a child. And just like they regret what they did (slaps, remember?), I will regret being a stern wall between his tastebuds and aggravated symptoms. I might have thrown tonnes of tantrums at my father and must have cried couple of times saying them and regret a lot on raising my voice. And it just doesn’t end there. This is the case with my mom, my grandparents, uncle, aunt and my brothers and sisters. I am like this with everyone. If I want to leave them in peace, say fuck it, let them do whatever they want, it’s their life, choices and happiness too, I regret more, thinking how they would regret it later! Uffff. This fucking messy situation.
And then it happens. For instance, it was a Tuesday, I remember, when my parents had a nice fall from the bike and inspite of me telling them to wear helmets, they were reluctant. And then, when they started riding again on the bike, I had to always resort to throwing tantrums at them in order to make them precautionary for themselves. I don’t like doing it, but it has to be done. I hate it.
Now, I am in a mess, I am still not near the point where I could blindly book a world tour tickets for my parents and wish them well at the airport. I have to ask for their permissions everytime for their happiness. And it gets denied. A family dinner outside home FOR ONCE? NO. A nice picnic, free of cost, NO! Movie?, NO! Movie at home?,NO! then when? Later! When later comes, again NO! WTF???
What am I supposed to do? I have absolutely no idea. I am gonna find the answer to it. It’s frustrating me. I am for sure, not giving up on them. But hell yeah, I will pray to make sure they give up on delaying their happiness.
Do I sound like a parent too?