I was going through my possible reasons for being depressed and I stumbled upon them.
1. I might have lost my value, my self-esteem in my own eyes. If not, no rejection, or no non-conference could have affected me.
2. I might have lost the touch of that moment in my life where I was the happiest until now. Where my hard work was paying off, the results were proportional to the effort I was putting in. I was not sleepy because I wanted to cover as much work as possible. Yeah, please go ahead and me a workaholic, but I was happy.
3. I might have fell for someone really hard. So hard that I forgot my childhood, how innocent it was. Just playing, studying, eating, sleeping, waking up and repeating. Yeah, the priorities seemed fucked up. But I had no regrets.
4. No high rise buildings within reach now. I love the views from the high rises. It feels as if I can have the vantage point and can see everything superficially. I can have the combined gift of the nature, the sights to sigh for, the breeze to die for, the enigmatic feeling that I might confuse with adrenaline when I look down. It feels different. Although, I know it is chemical bombs that we always hit on for these feelings, but I am talking about the missing initiative to go on top of the terrace or a high rise, even the top of a hill or a mountain.
5. I might have forgotten the feeling of learning something new and applying it successfully in the midst of a problem. I have to get back to it.
6. I certainly have lost the spirit to go out and play. I have to go out and play more often. Now more than ever. And drink water too. Yeah. I know, the point when I was at my lowest, playing basket ball helped me cope up with my thoughts on failure. More than anything, I miss my friends with whom I used to play with. Haha.
I think I just want to go back to the time before I fucked my thinking and started to feel depressed.